Tuesday, November 17, 2015

Disease

I love you. I hate you. I like you. I hate you. I love you. I think you’re stupid. I think you’re a loser.
I think you’re wonderful. I want to be with you. I don’t want to be with you. I would never date you. I hate you. I love you…
I think the madness started the moment we met and you shook my hand. Did you have a disease or something?” 
- Shannon L. Alder




Duarte Vitoria - There is no love, only words to get what you want

Thursday, October 8, 2015

I got destroyed, and it was fun :)

"That’s what really scares me.
Falling in love is easy. Having sex is easier. But bumping into someone that can spark your soul - that shit is rare.
You could fuck four, five, all the people in a god damned room and you’d only feel a connection with one. Or none at all.
And what sucks is despite the undeniable real magnetic pull between the two of you, more often than not, you don’t end up together.
I’m afraid I won’t meet anyone else I can connect with.
I’m scared it’ll be just you.”
—Connection, Sade Andria Zabala

Friday, September 25, 2015

page turn

all my pages have you in them
or have me, feeling you in them

all my pages tell the story
of the path we chose
of our downfall
of the love we found
and of the love we couldn't

all my pictures have you in them
or have me, feeling you in them

some torn, some burnt, some full of dirt
(all in the head)
making me feel things even today
some I blush to, some send angst, some sadness, some relief 

Revenge of the forgotten vagina

coming soon

Monday, September 14, 2015

Reading Lolita in Tehran

“You get a strange feeling when you’re about to leave a place. Like you’ll not only miss the people you love but you’ll miss the person you are now at this time and this place, because you’ll never be this way ever again.” - Azar Nafisi

Wednesday, September 9, 2015

lying on your bed

i remember that first day
i told you
i want to be with you forever

we were lying on your bed
chatting
dont remember about what
dim yellow lights
the scent off of the diffuser in the air
staring at the ceiling
and then your eyes
staring at the ceiling
and then your smile

and i just said it
just did
i think you are it
i would want to be with you
...till the end

i said it
and i burst into flames inside
it was so much...
to say
to say out loud
to say in my head
to hear it

i said it and burst into flames

it was a long time ago
that first day

it was a long time ago
we said things

Saturday, September 5, 2015

i want to be a junkie for some time

i want to be depressed, as i might have been forever in some corner of my heart
i want to be depressed, and do drugs, and drink liquor, and ramble on and on and fall, and smoke cigarettes, and laugh like every thing is hilariously ridiculous
i want to be depressed, and just be so eccentric that my true eccentric self feels intimidated by me
i want to be depressed, and stay in my room and cry rivers of salty madness
i want to be depressed, and yell out the window, and when people notice - laugh at their faces
i want to be depressed, and dance to the high octane tunes of people not caring
dance so hard my boobs feel like ribbons on the skirt of a cheer leader that go spinning 360 vertical and finally hit each other like Tibetan gongs
i want to be depressed, and live in a tent i build from scratch at Sulk Station
i want to be a junkie for some time
really
i want to be junkie for some time and not care a damn about anything but my own shit;
my life
my silence
my saggy tits
my cellulite
my brain infused with thoughts of depression
my want to be a junkie...
my fucking lack of inspiration and excitement to make all of the above happen


Friday, September 4, 2015

29on29

It's 12:06 am on my birthday
And it's quiet
It yells 29: the silence
Yellow lights
Phone on vibrate

No Sound

Just my mother yelling at me to blow the candles

Monday, August 31, 2015

One last time

It's 11 am, the day after my birthday.
I'm in his bed.
Wearing nothing but his smell.
Wrapped around my thighs, my crotch, my neck, my torso.
I'm in his bed after 6 weeks.
Familiarity is so much deeper in sense, that sense is in familiarity.

I wake up. His eyes still moving with dreams, shut close to my face.
Is he... can he... Well, it's done. It has been. We have been - done.
But things creep in and we creep into each other.

I get up, go into his bathroom.
"Going to use his toothbrush, one last time", I think.
I do.
I stare at my face in the mirror. Probably not going to look into this mirror butt-naked ever again. Probably.
I stare out the window. It's never looked like this before. 3 years and I never saw it.
Soaked in rain the sky morphs into the sea. The sea morphs into the sand. The sand morphs into me.
I cry.
Did I forget this already? This sight. This view. This. It's never looked like this before.
I slip back under his arm. Skins kissing. One last time.

After a few hours, I wake up. He sits by doing his thing. I stare. The nose, the hair, the ear, his lips. I stare. I glare. I try to make it last forever.

I wear his t-shirt.
One last time.
Smell it, feel it, be it - his skin.

["I'll show you the world one breath at a time", she said.]

He still has the post card.

'Then walked away leaving him breathless.'

I add to it on a piece of paper. And I cry.

I want to bite him.
"No"
One last time.
"No"
Let me leave a mark on you before I go.
"No"
I go.

Wednesday, August 26, 2015

Headlights

The phantoms are trying to reach you
an inch away from your toes
But the rope has proved its power (no more struggle)
and engulfed you. To the other side of the world.

Tuesday, August 25, 2015

I’d like my Pizza, without anchovies. Never any anchovies.


It’s been exactly 5 days today. 11 am on Tuesday, 4th of august, I got the ferry at Mersing and floated into this gorgeous Turtle Trove- Pulau Tengah. It’s my first volunteer-ship and what better way to do it than with the Master Oogway’s of the world (ref. the Master Turtle from Kungfu Panda). Finding my inner peace just like he said; with white sands, blue waters and some beautiful souls; of the human and aquatic kind.





I reached at 11:40 am, walked across the jetty and into the Dive shop where there was no one. Yeah! And rightfully so, as all of three new nests of turtles had been brought in by egg collectors. I plonked my bags down and walked straight into the quaint hatchery that is home to 41 nests of turtles and has been the nestling ground for 4737 eggs and 718 hatchlings to date. As I ran in, my feet throwing sand with excitement, I met Carmen and Heather and a bunch of other peeps, counting each egg as they nestled them smoothly into a hole dug out in the sand. And I tallied them on a sheet for them, 1,2,3,….149, 150, 151. Woah!




Still very new, the Trutle Watch Camp at Batu Batu is an earnest and humble step taken by Carmen and Adam, the Dive instructors at the Dive Shop; to save these amazingly calm, docile and supremely patient creatures.

Since that first day, every day has been a day to write about. I call this Chapter 1 of my ‘workay’ (a working vacay :/)

The day begins at 7 am with a Turtle Patrol. Here, Heather, the Marine Biologist leads the way across the island to all the beaches through rocks, sea and the jungle, where we scout around for turtle tracks. Post which there are updates to be made on the progress of the nests, provisions made for new nests to come, talks with inquisitive visitors and some psychobabble with kids deciphering their trippy minds.

We did a beach clean-up with some really enthusiastic kids yesterday. All of them perplexed with the things found on the shore- 5 bags full. They even created a March song as we hiked up the jungle path to get to the other beach. Left, Left, Left right Left. I left my trash on the beach, and then I did the right thing. Left, Left, Left right left.





I lucked out with a dive by the House reef at Pulau Tengah. The underwater always amazes me- the colours, textures, the lifestyle, well the food chain. And then we monsters try and find solace in the underwater, city is spelled with C for chaos after all.

I “brought eggs” on the first day, and a turtle came back to hatch another bunch on my third (Yay). During the usual Island patrol, where it seemed to be as clear as the water, we got a call informing us that some guests had discovered some tracks by the beach and might just be from a turtle. Filled with excitement I tried to pick up the pace with my unfit city-body and dragged myself through the pain to Sunshine Beach and Voila! Turtle Tracks.





Exactly two weeks back from that day a green turtle nestled on this very beach and as it’s known, turtles always come back to the same beach to lay their eggs. Home ground eh. So that was her, back forming a familiar track, confirming her fertility and dropping her large eggs very tactfully covered up with sand, confusing predators. That was a head rush for sure. Heather poked around some, her scientific way trying to find the exact spot of the nest, but eventually we let intuition take over the game and built a large net fence to guard the eggs from monitor lizards, wild boars, crabs and some creatures of the human kind too.

Being the only volunteer on the island for the few days, it’s been some hard work- specially having come from busy work scenes back home. But I am a water baby in the end, and when the water calls out to you, you give in. You never say no to the blues, never ever ever. I find my way every day and squeeze in some play time with the blues.




Last night was particularly interesting as a good number of the staff joined us for movie night to watch the coral reefs show their case and affirm their importance in the existence of all the life in the deep blue.

I write this today, five days in and another 10 to go (at least). There’s still a lot to do, to see and be. Let’s hope Leonardo, Donatello, Michelangelo and Raphael come out to see me.

Till then, let’s Cowabunga!

P.s.: the title is Ninja Turtle Michalangelo ordering his pizza. Turtle Power!


   

Written for Turtle Watch Camp @Batu Batu, Pulau Tengah, Malaysia on 10th August, 2015

Tuesday, May 26, 2015

i do not love you

...i love you because i know no other way

than this: where i does not exist, nor you,
so close that your hand on your chest is my hand,
so close, that your eyes close as i fall asleep


Pablo Neruda 




Pat Perry 





Wednesday, May 6, 2015

creep

i doubt my writing a lot
a lot- you see how a lazy word creeps into it

but then i read some today
and found a little curl creep up my lips

Wednesday, April 29, 2015

The Stalker

The cat stared at me all day long
Blue eyes moving away as mine met them, whole body collected
my apparent spirit animal became my stalker
no furry balls, no string, no laser point could distract it
I think it was a trick
I think there was a real pair of eyes behind that porcelain facade
reading my every move
keeping a track of where the milk was going.
The milk!
could it, could it really be
that a real pair of cat eyes was monitoring the lactation off of my breasts through that cheap gift on my desk


Tuesday, April 14, 2015

Mara to Bartoli

“I will love you from the landscape that you see, from the mountains, the oceans and the clouds, from the most subtle of smiles and sometimes from the most profound desperation, from your creative sleep, from your deep or fleeting pleasure, from your own shadow and your own blood. I will look through the window of your eyes to see you.” 

Letters to Bartoli from Frida Kahlo, poetic and heart-breakingly intense.

Forget You - Pinder Buckley


There's a door separating us;

keep it closed.
There's a hole in my heart;
don't try to fill it.
There's plenty of people in my life;
don't be one of them.

Monday, April 13, 2015

It Rose Like A Beast

So i made some bread, and it looked like bread, and it tasted like bread, and it rose like bread. A dear friend and foodie, asked me to write about it, and its on her blog: http://www.twicebaked.me/2015/03/it-rose-like-beast.html

Here's how it goes. Happy Baking! 



---

IT ROSE LIKE A BEAST 


“On travels,” a friend had told me, “the motto is to do one new thing a day”. 

It was the long weekend of 26th Jan, when my mind was clearly traveling without the body. I told myself that I would do one new thing for the weekend. Tic tic toc. It’s 10 pm on Monday and I'm just back from a long ass walk to a healthy start and hence super lazy. But it was either now or another weekend where promises were made to be broken.

So shoes still on, determination filling through the veins, with the intention of buying herbs, (cause every day is a great day to buy some herbs) I set off. 

I had seen a supremely easy DIY recipe video for chocolate star bread. And I was feeling all cheffie (like yay!). It's easy peasy - obviously! Unfortunately this was a video cut short which was MADE to look zip zap zoom. I later learned that it involved making the bread dough from scratch and then it was still a little zoom. I decided to just make some bread. Focaccia seemed more exciting than just plain bread to me. It’s me - I’d always rather do something more exotic looking than usual.

The final product

So after crunching my head through a million sites I closed on one from Inspired Taste.
Ingredients - check
Pyjamas - check
No one around to fry me – check
The boon of 1am baking. No tsk tsk instructions from the master chef in the house (I love you ma).

Do note this was the first time I was baking, ever- I'm not going to count the one time I baked brownies at all (erm). 

So I just followed the steps.
Get hands dirty. Rub it all together. Then bring mac back to life and scroll down for more.

First. Make the garlic herbs olive oil yumminess. 
One cup of olive oil. 2 cloves of garlic. 1 tsp rosemary. 1tsp thyme. And whatever else you want.  
On the flame for two minutes. DO NOT LET THE GARLIC COOK. 

Second. Activate yeast in warm water/milk.

Third. Add one cup of flour and 1/4 of the garlic herb oil mix. One tsp of honey. The yeast. Make a mix. Just moist enough. Let it sit for about five minutes.  

Fourth. Add the rest of the flour and salt. Make the dough come together. (This might not be as easy as it sounds. I ended up adding too much water, but the world teaches you - If it’s too wet- add more dry stuff, if it’s too dry- add more wet stuff, hah!)

Fifth. Then get to the fun part, kneading the dough. Get in there as much as you like. Read the instruction 10-15 times. But I guess you will know when it’s about right. It will be one big dough ball, all soft and together. 

Sixth. Oil a large bowl. Make the boy sit. Sit in there. Covered with a warm cloth (I just wet a new kitchen towel, microwaved it for 2 minutes and boom), preferably in the warmest place in your kitchen/house/heart. <3

Ready for the oven
Wait. 
Watch an episode of The Affair. (Start to end – 1hour, boom) 

So pretty!
Heat the oven to 230 ͦC. Use 2 table spoons of the garlic olive oil yumminess to line your baking tray/dish. Drop the ball in and with your fingers make dimples on it as you spread it all over.  Pour the rest of the garlic-olive oil yumminess. Let the dough rise for 20 minutes until it puffs slightly then bake 15 to 20 minutes or until golden brown. And pray to the devil to not burn the wicked. (I should have believed).


10 minutes in- it’s rising like a beast
11 minutes in- my smile is widening 
12 minutes- Grinch smile
13-17 minutes - washroom break / distracted by TV 
18 minutes - it started smelling kinda burny

So I ran into the kitchen and found the garlic burning at the peaks of my dough. I freaked and pulled it out. Good thing, it was easy to pick out the burnt garlic (see the cup full of little blacks). But I guess the two more shot-down minutes in the oven would have made the bread a lot of proper to eat. 

With tiny burnt bits of garlic
But all in all, I made Bread. And it looked like Bread. And it tasted like Bread. And it felt like Bread. And it rose like a beast. 

Oh I’m so Breadazled! 


See the whole recipe and step by step guide here 

Check Mitalee out on http://clown-syndrome.blogspot.in and on Instagram @lucidmoan


Monday, April 6, 2015

A 1959 Freedom Movement

A woman in 1959 of European descent from a small town in this city fought for women empowerment. 
She fought for simple rights - she fought for the freedom of farts for women; in trains, buses, on the street. 
All she wanted was for her to be able to walk by her kin, holding hands of her children as they happily licked the ice scream she bought them. And be able to enjoy that moment, that moment of their happiness by letting out a short-worded fart, or perhaps, a long silent one, Pftt. 
She fought for her rights, our rights, to be able to smell as she did, of what she did, of whatever she wished to eat, without being frowned upon by the elite society of en-slavers.   
A campaign was created with posters, banners, flags. Hell, she even set forth on a march with slogans, chants, with kids licking ice cream.
It might not have been much, but it was the first time a woman dared to fart freely. In front of the public, in front of her husband, in front of the lower class and the upper class, god-damn, even god.
She dared it. She did it. And she set us free. She set it free - for us all. 
All in for the Freedom of Farts for women - say Aye!  

Wednesday, January 7, 2015

down


here he is. under the rest. looking for a shoe.
one sock on, the other the fingers clutch.
the fist of fright dusts the floor. picking worms. wriggling. brimming. burning.
outside in. bubbling through.
it. is. all. inside. him.
looking for his shoe. one fist on floor. one on the rope. holding. one shoe.
he sinks.
only one shoe, sunk.

Words-none



The door opens, he turns around.
She runs inside, he walks in.
Soft footed anxious breaths.
The door creeks, she cries under.
Soft footed nervous breaths.
He warms the corner, she cries under.
Words- none.
The sea glistens in the glance.
He dives.
Words- none.